I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
