dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
