dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
