i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Randomize
