I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
