Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
