Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize