Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We are all done wearing pants today
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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