i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize