Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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