Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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