Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
