Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
