First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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