I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's blow job season.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
