Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
