Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
