I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize