just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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