my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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