she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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