if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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