how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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