I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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