i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Liz is crying about burritos again.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
