Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
