My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
