After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
