Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
