dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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