Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
