she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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