is your mom at the bar?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize