I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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