Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
