just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize