you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
