I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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