I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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