marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Randomize
