is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
