Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
