Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize