I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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