I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
