I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
