I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
