and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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