And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize