Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
