I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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