you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
