okay pat passed out under dana's car
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
