Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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