can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
