btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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