she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
